A waste of time and breath is all i’ll ever be…God I really need help
last night was not one of my finest nights I will admit. I got shit faced, puked, and had a panic attack on top of depression flairing up. Last time that happened was at Luray reenactment. However, this time was different. At Luray no one knew I was puked, had a panic attack, etc. I left the camp fire and went to my tent and spent the night shaking alone. Last night though, I realized what an amazing support group I have. Sure it sucked getting shit faced and puking, sure the panic attack could have happened at a better time, but I didnt feel alone. I knew I wasnt alone. If it was not for the people around me who took time away from the party to look after me and make sure I didnt die or something I dont know what would have happened to me. What I do know is I have friends I can count on to be by my side, and a best friend who I absolutly charish and dont know what I would do with out her. No idea why anyone would bother to read this lol.
I really feel like people dont tell me anything, like I am someone whom they dont want to see there. The initiate class of my Fraternity is having an after party after our induction and apparently everyone knew about it…except for me. I feel left out, like I dont belong anywhere. I wish I felt as though I did belong, I have tried so hard. There are only 2 places I feel truly at home and accepted for me, the 13th VA and with my best friend. But even in the 13th I feel out of place at times. I often wonder if I belong anywhere in this world I need so much.
I feel like I am losing all that I care about. I feel like it is falling down around me. I have been trying so hard to stop it. I have been fighting it every day. It is wearing me down. Turning me into nothingness. I cant give up. I dont want to give in. But its become hard. I feel like my life line has gone slack. And the very thing I depend on no longer wants me. I feel it all slipping away. Slipping though my fingers. I want to stop it…but I dont know if I can
there are many times in a week I hate my mind and I hate being an INFJ. I realize we are special people and have an amazing gift, but sometimes the burden of this gift is too much. sometimes this gift seems like a curse
"But ah, the heaps of loyal slain!
The bloody toil! the bitter pain!
For those who shall not stand again”
THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG
by: Laura Searing (Howard Glyndon)
The mirror stares back, empty, devoid of meaning.
I try hard, staring until my eyes hurt, but there is nothing.
Nothing stares back, nothing but the empty mirror,
Am I even here? Do I even exist here?
Am I just a ghost? A memory in repeat?
Just a faded memory, that no one remembers.
Is this real? I just want to exist, to mean something.
Can’t I just be real? Be real to someone?
But all that is here is emptiness, and the mirror.
The mirror is empty still, showing me I don’t exist
On November 19, 1863, at the dedication of a military cemetery at Gettysburg,Pennsylvania, during the American Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln delivers one of the most memorable speeches in American history. In just 272 words, Lincoln brilliantly and movingly reminded a war-weary public why the Union had to fight, and win, the Civil War.
The Battle of Gettysburg, fought some four months earlier, was the single bloodiest battle of the Civil War. Over the course of three days, more than 45,000 men were killed, injured, captured or went missing. The battle also proved to be the turning point of the war: General Robert E. Lee's defeat and retreat from Gettysburg marked the last Confederate invasion of Northern territory and the beginning of the Southern army's ultimate decline.
Charged by Pennsylvania’s governor, Andrew Curtin, to care for the Gettysburg dead, an attorney named David Wills bought 17 acres of pasture to turn into a cemetery for the more than 7,500 who fell in battle. Wills invited Edward Everett, one of the most famous orators of the day, to deliver a speech at the cemetery’s dedication. Almost as an afterthought, Wills also sent a letter to Lincoln—just two weeks before the ceremony—requesting “a few appropriate remarks” to consecrate the grounds.
At the dedication, the crowd listened for two hours to Everett before Lincoln spoke. Lincoln’s address lasted just two or three minutes. The speech reflected his redefined belief that the Civil War was not just a fight to save the Union, but a struggle for freedom and equality for all, an idea Lincoln had not championed in the years leading up to the war. This was his stirring conclusion: “The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us—that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion—that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain—that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.”
Reception of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address was initially mixed, divided strictly along partisan lines. Nevertheless, the “little speech,” as he later called it, is thought by many today to be the most eloquent articulation of the democratic vision ever written.
On this day in 1863, Confederates under General James Longstreet fail to defeat a Union force under General Ambrose Burnside at the Battle of Campbell Station near Knoxville, Tennessee.
After the Battle of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, in early July 1863, General Robert E. Lee, commander of the Army of Northern Virginia, allowed Longstreet to take two divisions to reinforce General Braxton Bragg’s army around Chattanooga, Tennessee. The Confederate leadership realized that they were losing the war in the West, and relief was needed. Longstreet arrived just in time to execute a crucial attack in the Confederate victory at Chickamauga in northern Georgia. He stayed to help Bragg in the siege of Chattanooga, but the two men quarreled frequently. In late October, Union troops drove Longstreet’s force away from Brown’s Ferry, allowing the beleaguered Union troops in Chattanooga to resume shipping supplies via the Tennessee River. This led to a permanent split between the Confederate generals, and Bragg allowed Longstreet to head for eastern Tennessee in an attempt to secure that area for the Confederates. Campbell Station was the first engagement of his attempt to capture Knoxville, an area of intense anti-Confederate sentiment.
Burnside had only about 5,000 men in his command, but he hoped to keep Longstreet moving away from Chattanooga, where Union forces were pinned inside of a Confederate semicircle. Burnside allowed the Rebels to cross the Tennessee River but then realized that Longstreet could trap him along the river. He began a mad race to the strategic crossroads at Campbell Station, even abandoning many of his supply wagons in order to move more quickly. The Yankees reached the intersection first, and Burnside planned to fight a delaying action. Longstreet caught up with him by the late afternoon, and a short battle ensued. A poorly coordinated attack by the Confederates failed to turn Burnside’s flank, and the Union repulsed them with ease. The fighting ended at nightfall, and Burnside escaped into the defenses around Knoxville.
The Union lost 318 men killed and wounded; the Confederates lost 174.
I want a way to express myself. A way to say what my heart wants to say but my head stops it from coming out. I dont want to be scared. I dont want to be scared of pushing people away or making a fool of myself. My problems are so many, and it seems a miracle that people put up with me, or are even willing to talk to me. I feel like a burden. I fear ill be laughed at, made fun of. I am scared to express myself. I wish I didnt feel anything sometimes. I wish I could shut off the part of me that feels. It would seem life would be easier that way. I just want to be able to express myself to people in a way they will understand, but not even I understand myself…how can I expect others to? To be perfectly honest, I want to close my walls again and not worry about the outside world.
I wish I could turn my mind off. for just one night is all I ask. One night to not think. One night to not feel alone. One night to not be sick of my thoughts. One night to not shake. One night is all I ask. Why is it so hard to get this wish? I just want peace for one night. One night is all I ask.